Thursday, November 13, 2008

About school

I’ve always heard that if you try really, really hard at school you’ll succeed. Because there are tons of organizations and school policies and methods of assistance that are there solely to help you achieve your academic goals.

And I’ve always believed it. I mean, come on, I’ve been on both sides; I’ve been a tutor and a note taker and a study group leader. I’ve also sat for hours in the LLCC math center getting help. I’ve gone to countless office-hour appointments and done extra work to keep my grades up. I never would have made it this far without academic scholarships and financial aid.

I think I might be getting a little jaded.

I haul myself to the computer every day and try to wrangle appointments with school authorities to learn about my options, to little avail. I’ve been trying to work with the school for at least two months. I’ve made dozens of phone calls. I’m keeping in touch with my professors. I’m reading and participating in the class blogs. I’m trying to keep up with the work, but compared to my previous output, this stuff is shoddy. My parents are sacrificing their time and energy to (my jaw is locking up and my facial muscles feel like they’re immobile, ARGH, I hate that) drive me to class when I think I can stand it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have one professor and one academic counselor who are really trying to help me. But they can only do so much.

From MY end, I’m doing everything that I’m aware a good student should do that I’m still capable of doing. (The numbness is creeping down my throat, now.)

I have about three weeks of school left. I don’t think I’m going to make it. I feel like I’m on an academic treadmill of too little, too late.
And yeah, honestly? I’m wondering why I should keep trying. Oh, just the knowledge that I should. That inner drive that won’t shut up. Just the little things that have propelled me this far. But my bed looks really appealing, and I would like to work on some projects for other people who would actually appreciate them.

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